humor:) hehe hahah hihih [brez komentarjev!]

[LARIKA]

Na kratko o marketingu

1. Na zabavi zagledaš privlačno žensko preko sobe. Pristopis k njej in
rečes: "Živio, sem zelo dober v postelji. Bi radi preizkusili?" To je
direktni marketing!

2. Na zabavi zagledaš privlačno žensko preko sobe. Das prijatelju za
pijačo, da stopi k njej in reče: "Živio, moj prijatelj tam čez je zelo
dober v postelji. Bi radi preizkusili?" To je oglaševanje!

3. Na zabavi zagledaš privlačno žensko preko sobe. Izvrtaš številko njenega
mobitela in jo pokličeš. Najprej malo poklepetata, potem pa rečes. "Živio,
sem zelo dober v postelji. Bi radi preizkusili?" To je tele-marketing!

4. Na zabavi zagledaš privlačno žensko preko sobe. Pristopiš, izraziš
spoštovanje, jo spomniš na zadnje srečanje, jo spraviš v smeh in dobro
voljo, potem pa receš: "Živio, sem zelo dober v postelji. Bi radi
preizkusili?" To je upravljanje odnosov s strankami!

5. Na zabavi zagledaš privlačno žensko preko sobe. Ona pristopi in reče:
"Živio, slišala sem, da ste zelo dobri v postelji. Rada bi preizkusila!" To
je moč blagovne znamke!

[Zvoncnica]

Je angleško, ampak lahko razumljivo, dolgo a vredno branja in seveda ZABAVNO

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction, honey.Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they hadall those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed som laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men (Fifteen of them Saudi Arabians) hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes,make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy.

[inchy84]

KAKO DELAJO LATEX ROKAVICE

Zobozdravnik je opazil, da je njegov naslednji pacient, stara gospa,
zelo živčna.Zato se je odločil, da ji bo povedal en vic , medtem ko je
natikal
rokavice.

'Ali veste kako delajo Latex rokavice?' je vprašal.
'Ne, ne vem,' je odgovorila stara gospa.
',Torej,na Kitajskem imajo tovarno, z velikim bazenom lateksa in
delavci z različno velikimi rokami potopijo svoje roke v Latex, počakajo
,da se
posuši , jih zrolajo z rok in jih vržejo v škatlo.
Gospa se ni niti nasmehnila.
'No, vsaj poskusil sem jo razvedriti,' si je rekel zobozdravnik.

Toda 5 minut kasneje, ravno sredi vrtanja, je gospa prasnila v
neobvladljiv smeh.

'Kaj je tako smešno?' je vprašal zobozdravnik.
'Ravno si hočem predstavljati, kako delajo kondome!'

Pazite se starih gospa! Njihovi možgani vedno delajo!

[*MaŁa*]

hudic:
mali hudič se hoče poročiti in gre uprašat starejšega izkusnejšega očeta:"oče jaz bi se rad oženil,ampak kako naj vem da je taprava?"oče mu odgovori:"pojdi na zemljo in žvižgaj za vsakim dekletom,in če se ti obrne je ku**a,takih ne vzemaj!"in gre hudičk na zemljo...nato grejo mimo ene 5 deklet...hudič žvižga in se vse obrnejo...pri eni pa ni bilo tako in se hudič odloči da jo bo vzel za ženo...
kaj je nauk te zgodbe?...
...
če nisi k***a te pa hudič uzame

[Frenkie]

Pošlje Mujo Hasota na podstrešje in mu reče naj mu prinese copate! Pa gre Haso gor in zagleda Mujotovo zeno in hčerko! Obe nagi! Reče jim: "Mujo me pošilja, da vaju pofukam"! Onidve mu seveda ne verjameta!
Nakar se Haso zadere Mujotu: "a obe"?
Mujo odgovori: "Ja, ja obe"


G. Penis želi povišanje plače zaradi naslednjih motivov:

- Fizično delam
- Delam na velikih globinah
- Delam "z glavo"
- Delam tudi ob vikendih
- Delam v zelo vlažnem prostoru
- Kadar delam ponoči ne dobim dodatka
- Delam v temnem prostoru, kjer ni klime
- Delam na visoki temperaturi
- Pri delu sem izpostavljen infekcijskim boleznim.

Odgovor firme: "Po natančni preučitvi, administracija odklanja zahtevek o povišanju plače g. Penisu, zaradi naslednjih motivov:"

- Ne dela osem ur zaporedoma
- Že po kratkem aktivnem delu, zaspi na delovnem mestu
- Ne ugodi zmeraj zahtevam nadrejenega
- Ni vedno zvest delodajalcu, včasih dela pri konkurenci
- Med enim in drugim delom veliko počiva
- Je brez iniciativ. Za pričetek potrebuje stimulacijo
- Ob koncu delovnega dne ne počisti za sabo
- Ni mu pogodu dvojna izmena
- Včasih zapusti delovno mesto se preden je dokončal delo

In za nameček, ga je videti, da se na delovnem mestu sprehaja ven in noter z dvema sumljivima torbama.


Kako ve blondinka, da se mora it stuširat? Ko naredi špago, pa se na parket zalima!

[jancy]

tu si lahko štajerščino in ljubljanščino dol potegnete.

http://www.radiocenter.si/download.php?stran=seznem&id=14&page=1

še ma kdo več tega?

[Maychy]

js mam dost takih zadev na mailih pa bi jih še več rada Vsi zainteresirani na PM, pa se bomo zmenil

Pa še neki, da ne bom OT:

Izjave po seksu

OVEN: No, zdaj pa hitro še enkrat!
BIK: Uf, sem lačen, a mi prineseš pizzo?
DVOJČKA: Kje je daljinec?
RAK: Kdaj se bova poročila?
LEV: A nisem bil fantastičen?
DEVICA: Joj, rjuha se je umazala.
TEHTNICA: Všeč mi je bilo, če je bilo tebi všeč!
ŠKORPIJON: Ja, OK, zdaj te lahko odvežem.
STRELEC: Ne kliči me, jaz te bom poklical.
KOZOROG: Imaš vizitko?
VODNAR: Zdaj pa poskusiva še naga.
RIBI: Kako si že rekla, da ti je ime?

[sweet_girl]

Prvega dne je Bog ustvaril kravo. Bog je rekel: "Morala boš na polje s kmetom in tam ves dan trpeti na vročem soncu. Morala boš imeti teleta in dajati kmetu mleko. Določam ti življenjsko dobo šestdeset let."
Krava je dejala: "Tole življenje je pa dosti pretežko, da bi zdržala šestdeset let. Zmeniva se za dvajset let, jaz pa ti vrnem preostalih štirideset."
Bog se je strinjal.
Drugega dne je Bog ustvaril psa. Bog mu je dejal: "Ti boš po ves dan sedel pred vrati gospodarjeve hiše in lajal na vsakogar, ki pride mimo. Dajem ti življenjsko dobo dvajsetih let."
Pes mu odvrne: "Dvajset let je pa kar malo preveč, če bom moral vse življenje lajati. Daj mi deset let, jaz pa ti vrnem drugih deset."
In Bog se je strinjal (na žalost).
Tretjega dne je Bog ustvaril opico. Bog ji je rekel: "Ti boš zabavala ljudi in uganjala opičje norčije, da se bodo smejali. Dajem ti dvajset let življenja."
Opica pa mu reče: "Kaj? Dvajset let uganjanja norčij? To je vendar dolgočasno. Pes ti je vrnil polovico let, zato ti jih bom tudi jaz, prav?"
In Bog je spet privolil.
Na četrti dan je Bog ustvaril človeka. Rekel mu je: "Jej, spi, igraj se in se zabavaj, seksaj in uživaj. Nič ti ni treba početi. Ves čas lahko samo uživaš. Tudi tebi dam dvajset let."
Človek se razburi: "Kaj? Samo dvajset let?! To pa že ne. Veš kaj, vzel bom svojih dvajset, pa še tistih štirideset, ki ti jih je vrnila krava, pa deset od opice in deset od psa. Tako bom imel skupno osemdeset let. Velja?"
"Prav," je odvrnil Bog. "Dogovorjeno."

Zato torej prvih dvajset let v glavnem spimo, jemo, se igramo, zabavamo, seksamo, uživamo in ne delamo. Naslednjih štirideset let suženjsko garamo, da preživljamo svojo družino. Nato deset let uganjamo opičje norčije, da zabavamo svoje vnuke, zadnjih deset let pa posedamo pred hišo in lajamo na vsakogar, ki pride mimo!

[sweet_girl]

ARHITEKT - tip, ki ni dovolj možat, da bi bil inženir, in premalo pedra, da bi bil dizajner.

BANKIR - tip, ki ti posodi dežnik, ko sije sonce, in zahteva, da ga vrneš, ko dežuje.

TABORNIK - deček, oblečen kot kreten, ki mu ukazuje kreten, oblečen kot deček.

INTELEKTUALEC - oseba, ki lahko dve uri razmišlja o nečem, kar ni seks.

PROGRAMER - tip, ki ti reši problem, za katerega nisi vedel, da ga imaš, in to na način, da ga ne razumeš.

PSIHOLOG - to je tisti, ki gleda vse ostale, ko stopi neka bejba v sobo.

KONZULTANT - to je tisti, ki ti sname uro z roke, ti pove koliko je ura in ti za to izstavi račun.

DIPLOMAT - to je tisti, ki ti reče, da pojdi v p. m. na takšen način, da komaj čakaš, da se potovanje začne.

EKONOMIST - strokovnjak, ki bo jutri vedel zakaj se tisto, kar je napovedal včeraj, danes ni zgodilo

KVANTNI FIZIK - slepa oseba v temni sobi, ki išče črno mačko, ki je ni tam.

TIMSKO DELO - možnost prevalitve krivde na nekoga drugega.

NOGOMET - s tem se je poročila vsaka ženska, čeprav tega sploh ni vedela.

NESTRPNOST - pospešeno čakanje.

INFLACIJA - plačevati cene prihodnjega leta z lanskimi plačami.

LJUBEZEN - beseda z osmimi črkami, tremi samoglasniki, petimi soglasniki in dvema idiotoma.

GLAVOBOL - najpogosteje uporabljano kontracepcijsko sredstvo.

MONOGRAM - omejeni poligram.

HARDWARE (trdnina) - del računalnika, ki sprejema udarce, ko zataji software (mečina).

MATEMATIK - oseba, ki potrebuje pet minut da odgovori na vsakdanje vprašanje tako, da je odgovor popolnoma pravilen in popolnoma nekoristen.

[LARIKA]

Starcek pri 80-tih obnavlja vozniski izpit. Sorodstvo pristojne prosi, naj
mu vozniskega dovoljenja ne podaljsajo.

Naslednji dan se odpravi starcek na ustanovo, kjer mu zacne instruktor
postavljati dvomljiva vprasanja, da bi ga zmedel.

Prvo vprasanje: "Ce prihaja proti vam ponoci majhna lucka, kaj mislite, da
je to?"
Starcek: "Bicikel, seveda!"
"To sem razumel! Katere znamke ... Atala, Rog, Bianchi ...itd.?"
Starcek: "Res ne bi vedel!"

Drugo vprasanje :"Ce vidite dve luci, ki se vam priblizujeta, kaj naj bi
bilo?"
"Avto!" ustreli starcek.
"Sem razumel ... ampak, kateri ... Fiat, BMW, Audi ...?"
"Mah ... ne bi vedel!"

Tretje vprasanje:"Kaj pa, ce vidite dve veliki luci, ki se vam
priblizujeta?"
"To vem. To je kamijon!"
"Ja, ja ! To je logicno ... ampak, kateri ... Scania, Mercedes, Iveco ...?"
"Eh, ne vem!"
"Zal mi je: Ne morem vam obnovit vozniskega!"

Ko starcek razocaran zapusca sobo, se obrne in vprasa: "Oprostite gospod!
Vi, ko greste ponoci ven in na vogalu pod svetilko zagledate na pol golo
osebo, ki maha s torbico okrog sebe ... kaj naj bi bilo to po vase?"
"Ja, kurba...logicno!"
Starcek: "Sem razumel ... ampak, kdo ... vasa zena, vasa mati ali vasa
hci???"

[LARIKA]

Šef se je pritoževal nad zaposlenimi, češ da ga ne spoštujejo.
Naslednji dan je prinesel s sabo majhno tablo, na kateri je pisalo "Jaz sem šef", in jo prilepil na svoja vrata.
Ko se je vrnil s kosila, je poleg table na vratih zagledal listek z napisom "Vaša žena je klicala, da hoče nazaj svojo tablo".

[Snow flake]

"Kočija"

Jugo, baje da je bi celo vozen.

[babyface***]

Kako blondinka rešuje križanko?
1. Svečana obleka (4 črke) -ČRNA
2. Vrsta živali s hiško (4 črke) - KUŽA
3. Ženin brat (4 črke) -TONE
4. neozdravljiva bolezen (4 črke) - SMRT
5. mož od vrane (6 črk) - VRANEC
6. del jedilnega pribora (3 črke) - ZOB
7. najmanjše trimestno število (3 črke)-000
8. mera za težo (4 črke) - UTEŽ
9. najbolj zdrava pijača (4 črke) -PIVO
10. hladno orožje ( 3 črke) - TOP
11. neozdravljiva bolezen (3 črke) - KAP
12. kokošji proizvod (5 črk) -OBARA
13. mera za dragocenost (5 črk) - DENAR
14. sestrin mož (4 črke) -DARE
15. bibljiska oseba (5 črk) -PAPEŽ
16. začetnici pesnika Župančiča - PŽ
17. zlato - ZL
18. kisik - K
19. hladno orožje (6črk) - PALICA
20. doživetje med spanjem (4 črke) - SEKS

blondinke ne vzet tega resno - da ne bo zamere

[**SiMoN@**]

pride dedek mraz v zavod za prizadete pa razdeli ubogim otrokom sarila, a na koncu mu pa en ostane. pa prav dedek mraz takole: še eno darilo je ostalu, kdor ga hoče mi bo pa nekej zapel. no pa Jaka dvigne roke pa prav dedek mraz, no Jaka pa nam zapoj. pa začne Jaka pet čist tistu mim usekanu-tku kukr taki pač pojejo, pa dedek mraz prbije-kdur se bo norca delou pa ne bo dubu darila

*************************************************************

vpraša en striček eno punčko kaku ji je ime pa prav punčka Marjetica. pa prav stric kaku si pa tu ime dobila? pa prav k sm bla mejhna mi je marjetica pala na glavo. pa vpraša drugo punčko kaku ji je ime pa je rekla zvončiča. pa prav stric kaku pa tu, pa prav k sm bla mejhna mi je zvončiča na glavo pala. pol pa vraša tako przadeto punčko kaku je pa teb ime? pa prav Jelka. pa prav stric kaku si pa ti ime dobila. pa prav punčka k sm bla mejhna mi je Jelka na glavo pala

*************************************************************

gre dedek mraz v afriko da bi razdelu darila. pa vpraša tm eno punčko kaj si želi pa prav punčka da hrano pa vodo. pa prav dedek mraz ja zakaj pa? pa prav špunčka že 3 mesce nism mela normalnga obroka k nimam hrane. pa dedek mraz prbije-kdur ne papca pa ne dobi darila

*************************************************************

pride dedek mraz (spet on) v zavod za prizadete pa deli darila. in za na konc ostane pa še Jure. jure je pa invalid k ma noge poškodvane pa ne more hodet normalnu. pa prav dedek mraz, no Jure prid po darilu. pa se tamal usede se kumej vstane pa šepa do dedka mraza pa mu ta prav-ajmo hop hop jure, dedek nima cel dan časa

[sweet_girl]

Motorist divja po magistralki, ko se vanj zaleti vrabec. Odbije ga, vrti po zraku, pade na tla, se še nekajkrat prekucne in obleži nezavesten. Motorist, ves iz sebe, ker je zbil nebogljeno živalco, ga previdno odpelje domov. Tam ga da v kletko, nastavi košček kruha in vodo, da bo vrabček hitreje okreval. Ta se naslednji dan res zbudi iz nezavesti in začudeno pogleda okoli sebe. Vidi rešetke, kruh in vodo pa vzklikne: "No, pa smo tam. Sem vedu, da se bo to zgodilo. Ubil sem motorista, zdej bom pa sedel!"