humor:) hehe hahah hihih [brez komentarjev!]

[miikena]

Na radiu Anteni majo zdej večer črnega humorja(če bi se kdo rad smeju )..

Kaj naredi Etiopijec, ko dobi v roko kilo kruha? Odpre trgovino!

[smehec]

Na bozicno jutro je pri semaforju policaj sedel na konju, poleg njega pa
je stal mulc ob svojem novem blescecem kolesu.
Policaj je rekel mulcu: "Lepo kolo imas. Ti ga je Bozicek prinesel?"
Mulc je odvrnil: "Aha."
Policaj: "No, naslednje leto reci Bozicku, naj na kolo postavi se zadnjo
luc."
Policaj je nato napisal kazen, ker biti brez zadnje luci na kolesu je
pac
prekrsek. Mulcu je dal listek.
Preden se je le-ta odpeljal, je vprasal: "Mimogrede, lepega konja imate.
Vam ga je Bozicek prinesel?"
Policaj se je posalil: "Seveda, res je bil on."
Mulc je odvrnil: "No, naslednje leto recite Bozicku, naj postavi
kurca konju med noge namesto na hrbet!"

[sAdie]

Univerza na Primorskem razpisuje novo fakulteto :

Fakulteta za žurološke študije, program Žurološtvo, naziv uni. dipl. ing. žurologije.

Predmetnik:

1.Letnik:
- osnove sončenja
- analiza pitja 1
- osnove žuranja
- lenarjenje
- prva pomoč pri čezmernem uživanju opojnih substanc
- rucologija

Pogoj za vpis v drugi letnik je opravljena analiza pitja 1.

2.Letnik:
- analiza pitja 2
- trmarjenje
- temelji lagodnega življenja
- trdnost šankov
- druga pomoč pri čezmernem uživanju opojnih substanc
- mačkologija
- kazensko pravo

Pogoj za vpis v tretji letnik je opravljena dializa.

3.Letnik:
- višja trdnost šankov
- analiza pitja 3
- analiza in meritve osebkov ženskega spola
- analiza in meritve osebkov moškega spola
- teorija lokalnih cest
- analiza pitja 4
- osmičarstvo 1
- pitje
- petje in pecanje
- blazinarjenje
- patologija žurerskih organizmov
- spanje in počivanje

Pogoj za vpis v četrti letnik je potrdilo matičnega urada , da še živite.

4.Letnik:
- analiza pitja 5
- osmičarstvo 2
- geografija kontaktnega prostora
- strateška refoškologija
- krizni menedžment
- osnove urejanja kleti
- tigrologija ( višja mačkologija )
- primerjalna pijanost
- eksrundiranje
- analiza pitja 6

Diplomsko delo je praktične narave in izbirnega značaja, k njemu lahko pristopijo preživeli študentje po končanem četrtem letniku.

Napotki: Pogoj za vpis je opravljen sprejemni izpit, ki se razlikuje glede na psihično stanje predavatelja ( je pač tak kot je-bi-ga ). Za študij so potrebni jeklena volja in jetra, nekaj sreče in dosti časa.

[marateja]

Bog je bil že skoraj gotov s svojo stvaritvijo, v torbi sta mu
ostali le še dve pomembni reči, ki ju
je nameraval razdeliti med Adama in Evo.

Povedal jima je, da ima v torbi še zelo praktièno zadevo, ki omogoča, da lahko imetnik lula stoje in ...
Preden je povedal do konca, je Adam planil in moledoval:
"Oh, daj meni, rad bi lulal stoje. To mora absolutno dobiti moški!
Prosim. Prosim te. Prooooosim, daj meni!"

Prosjačil je in cepetal z nogami kot otrok.
Eva se je nasmehnila in rekla Bogu: "Pa
mu daj, če si tako zelo želi."
Bog je dal Adamu stvar, s katero lahko lula
stoje in Adam je bil presrečen.

Takoj je začel lulati po
drevesnih deblih in s curkom pisati v pesek
svoje ime, ob tem se je pa
veselo smejal.

Bog in Eva sta ga nekaj časa opazovala,
potem pa je Bog rekel Evi:
"No, tu je še druga stvar, ki potemtakem pripada tebi.

"Kako se pa imenuje?" je vprašala Eva.

"Možgani," je odgovoril Bog.

[marateja]

Peder v nebesih
Pride peder v nebesa. Pri vstopu mu Bog zabiča: "Če zlorabiš samo enega mojega angela, greš v pekel!"
Pa pride čas, ko mora Bog na službeno potovanje in po vrnitvi z grozo ugotovi, da imajo vsi angeli razcefrane ritke. Seveda takoj pošlje pedra v pekel. Čez nekaj dni v nebesih postaja vedno bolj mrzlo, zato gre Bog pogledat v pekel, kaj se dogaja. Po prihodu reče hudiču: "Zakaj ne vržeš nekaj oglja na peč, da bo bolj toplo?" Hudič pa mu ves iz sebe odgovori: "Potem pa ti poberi lopato, če si upaš!"

[marateja]

Zakaj moski ne zaupajo zenskam?"
"Kdo pa bi zaupal nekomu, ki po enotedenski krvavitvi se vedno ni
mrtev??"

"Kaksna je razlika med zensko in tumorjem?"
"Za tumor ni nujno da je smrtno nevaren."

"Kaj je pozitivnega na temu, ce zenska po stopnicah pade v klet?"

"Na poti iz kleti ti lahko prinese pivo."

"Zensko na prehodu za pesce podre avtobus. Kdo je kriv?"
"Zenska,ker se je odmaknila od stedilnika."

"Moski bi zenske z veseljem pustili do zadnje besede, ce bi
verjeli, da bo beseda res zadnja."

Kaksna je razlika med telefonom in zeno?"
"V telefon vrzes kovanec in lahko govoris, zeni pa das celo placo, pa
moras biti se vedno tiho."

"Zakaj imajo zenske tako majhne dlani?"
"Da lazje cistijo po kotih."

"Zakaj ima veliko zensk majhno glavo in veliko rit?"
"Zato, da med ciscenjem ne padejo skozi okno!"

"Kaj je rekel Bog, ko je ustvaril moškega?"
"To bi lahko naredil bolje!" In je naredil zensko.

Moški nimajo nicesar v glavi. Ne verjameš? Vprašaj kakšnega, kaj ravnokar razmišlja."

"Moški so kot cebula. Ko jo odviješ najdeš notri vsebino, ki povzroci solze!"

Zakaj so moški kot spermiji? Ker je en na miljon uporaben.

Zakaj moški ne more biti lep in inteligenten skupaj? Ker bi bil ženska.

Zakaj so baterije boljše od moških? Ker imajo najmanj eno pozitivno stran.

Zakaj se ženske ne porocajo vec? Ker imajo raje pršut v hladilniku, kot pa prasca v dnevni sobi.

Kakšna je razlika med skodelico kave in moškim? Ni razlike, po obeh postaneš nervozna.

Zakaj so moški možgani bolj vredni od ženskih? Ker so bolj redki.

[Zmaja]

Pita unuk baku sta je to sex.
Kaze ona, ovo ti je ovako.
Kad je u drugom svetskom ratu dosao Svaba kod mene i me silovao, i posle platio 10 maraka, to ti je sex. Onda se vratio u jedinicu i doveo celi vod. Svi su me silovali i svaki je platio po deset maraka.
To ti je grupni sex.
A sta je onda ljubav pita unuk.
E pa ljubav su izmislili partizani, koji nisu hteli da plate.

[opium]

dubu na mail...

rasizem v Sloveniji

[smehec]

Janša prispe na pomembno prireditev, vendar mu na vhodu pot prekriža ogromen varnostnik: Oprostite gospod, ampak brez vabila ne morete vstopiti.
Ampak to sem vendar jaz, Janez Janša, predsednik vlade!
Prav, pa mi pokažite svoje dokumente.
Pa ravno danes nimam s seboj nobenih dokumentov. Osebno sem pozabil doma.
Žal mi je, ampak resnično vam ne morem dovoliti vstopiti.
Pa kaj je zdaj to? A me se nikoli niste videli na televiziji? Dajte me malo
boljše pogledat, no!
Res je, zelo ste podobni predsedniku vlade, ampak saj veste, kako je... Kar nekaj ljudi je podobnih Janši... Dokazati boste morali, da ste res Janša.
Kaj pa želite, da naredim?
Ne vem. Tudi Zahović je pozabil dokumente, pa smo mu dali nogometno žogo in je pokazal, da obvlada in je lahko vstopil. Srebotnikova je prav tako pozabila dokumente, pa je vzela tenis lopar in žogo in dokazala, da je to res ona.
Sranje, jaz vendar ničesar ne znam!
Se opravičujem za neprijetnosti gospod Janša... Vstopite

[dumbo]

Varnostnik iz SKB banke pride domov in reče ženi:
"Draga, odpustili so me."
"Kako pa to?"
"Je prišla direktorica Cvetka Selšek po tistem vlomu v sefe in me vprašala, kaj sem ponoči sanjal."
"In?" ga vpraša žena.
"In sem ji idiot povedal."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ni mu jasno

Zvezana varnostnika SKB banke ležita na tleh in prvi reče drugemu:
"Se ti ne zdi, da je tole rop?"
Drugi pa prvemu:
"Po čem pa to sklepaš?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prizadetost

Znani ljubljanski odvetnik privihra v pisarno Cvetke Selšek, direktorice SKB banke in kriči:
"Milijon evrov so mi ukradli iz sefa!"
Selškova ga mirno pogleda in reče:
"Saj se vašega sefa še dotaknili niso."
Odvetnik pa:
"Zakaj pa ne? Kaj pa če bi v njem res bilo milijon evrov?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ugotovitev

Policaja se sprehajata pred vrati sefov SKB banke. Pridejo mimo trije zamaskirani možakarji z brzostrelkami v rokah in ju lepo pozdravijo:
"Dober večer. Ali vidva varujeta sefe?" vprašajo vljudno.
Prvi policaj jih strogo premeri od pete do glave in reče:
"Ne, midva ravno odhajava iz službe. Kaj pa vi trije?"
Pa pravi eden od zamaskirancev:
"Mi pa v službo." In se razidejo.
Potem pa prvi policaj reče drugemu:
"Ti, ampak za varnost so pa v tej banki odlično poskrbeli!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pravi naslov

Novinarska konferenca. Novinar POP TV Vladimir Vodušek predsednika vlade Janeza Janšo vpraša, kako komentira rop sefov v SKB banki.
"Jaz nimam nič s tem, to morate vprašati finančnega ministra Bajuka. On je ob reformnem paketu nekaj tarnal, da potrebuje svež denar."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mladost

Cvetko Selšek po telefonu pokliče minister za notranje zadeve Dragutin Mate in jo nadere:
"Tako katastrofalnega varovanja tistih sefov še pa v življenju nisem videl!"
"Mladi ste še, gospod minister, mladi," mu odvrne Selškova.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ni res

"Sta vaša varnostnika res igrala poker, ko so ju napadli roparji?" vpraša novinarka direktorja varnosti.
"Ni res," odvrne direktor. "Igrala sta tarok."
"V redu" reče novinarka, "ampak vaše varovanje je bilo vseeno šlampasto!"
"Ni res" odvrne direktor varnosti. "Roparji so se mučili kar sedem ur."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Logika

Občan pokliče na policijo.
"Halo, čemu je pred SKB banko toliko policije?"
Dežurni policist: "Ker so oropali sefe?"
Občan: "Potem zdaj vaši varujejo prazne sefe."
Dežurni: "Pa kaj - saj varujemo tudi vlado, pa ima prazno blagajno."

[jancy]

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[jancy]

> ARE YOU A BITCH?
>
> Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about
> their professions.
>
> The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
> Young,Urban, Professional, Peaceful,
> Intelligent,Ecologist"
>
> The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you
> ....Double Income, No Kids."
>
> The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you
> know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
>
> They turn to one of the women and ask her, "What are
> you?"
> She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now....Wash, Iron,
> Fuck, Etc."
> The second woman answers before being asked
> -"BITCH."
> "What exactly is a BITCH?!?", they ask in unison.
> "Babe In Total Control of Herself."
>
> So ladies, next time somebody calls you
>
> "Bitch" - SMILE...and say Thank You!!"

[BHawk]

Nekoč je mel lekarnar na praksi vajenca, pa mu je določenem času zaupal nalogo, da lahko prodaja zdravila.
In enkrat se res zgodi da vajenec stoji za pultom, lekarnar je pa v drugem prostoru mešal zdravila.
Pa naenkrat stopi v lekarno moški in pravi: "Prosim, dajte mi nekaj proti kihanju, že cel teden samo kiham in ne moram nehati.."
Pa vzame vajenec prvo zdravilo, ki je bilo pri roki in jo proda temu moškemu.
Pa tko pride lekarnar, pa vpraša če je imel kej prometa, pa mu vajenec pove da je prišel en moški , pa da je hotel nekaj proti kihanju, pa da mu je dal prvo zdravilo, ki ga je imel pri roki.
"Katero pa?", vpraša lekarnar.
Vajenec mu pokaže katero zdravilo, lekarnar pa se takoj začne zdirat nanj češ da je človeku prodal odvajalo!!!
Pa vajenec čisto umirjeno reče lekarnarju naj ne skrbi, da tudi to zdravilo pomaga.
"Kako pa?" , vpraša lekarnar
"Samo poglejte tega moškega, tam stoji že več kot pol ure, pa se drži za klopco pa si še kihnit ne upa!"

[jancy]

TRI FAZE SEKSA

V resnih , dolgoročnih, trajnih zvezah obstajajo tri vrste seksa, in
sicer:
- stanovanjski
- prostorski
- sobni

1. faza: stanovanjski seks traja 1-2 leti. Seksaą povsod in vedno.
Seksaš
v
postelji, na kavču, na stolu, mizi, pod mizo, na tleh, na pralnem
stroju
(ob centrifugi...), ob vseh mogočih urah, v vseh pozah in po celem
stanovanju.

2. faza: prostorski seks traja od 3-7 let zveze. Seks je omejen na en
prostor.
Vedno v postelji, vedno v spalnici vedno ena in ista rutina, vedno
zvečer...
skratka, stvar postane rahlo enolična.

3. faza: sobni seks traja od 7 let napraj (v določenih primerih do te
faza
lahko pride tudi prej!!!). Zadnja stopnja v razvoju spolnega ľivljenja
med
partnerjema pa izgleda pribliľžno takole: slučajno gresta eden mimo
drugega,
ko
se sreečata na sredini sobe, se pogledata v oči in si mirno rečeta:
"Jebi
se!!!"

[jancy]

če se slučajno komu da brat...

Croatia
From Uncyclopedia
“Cro... what?”

— Oscar Wilde on Croatia

Croatia and the Croatian people are the ONLY ex-Yugoslavians who were right! When they don't talk about Serbs they brag about how much you can curse in Croatian. They are very proud of the fact that it is impossible to translate these curses in any other language because of their brilliancy. Every second word in Croatian is k***c - it can mean almost anything depending on the context.

When a Croatian is bored of the country he was blessed to live in he goes to Germany which is already inhabited by more Croatians than Croatia itself. When there, he will never stop saying that Croatia is the most beautiful country in the world.

The map of Croatia looks like the letter C, which actually also shows how hardworking Croatian people are. They are so tired after the work that they need to lie down and sleep a few more hours everyday. This happens of course to anyone if he/she doesn't manage to get the right amount of coffee/gossip that day. It creates a terrible feeling of "I-don-t-feel-like-it" and "I-don-t-want-to".

Croatia is a very sporty nation. You may have noticed Croatian athletes on the news winning all kind of prizes, but inside the country the most widespread sports are Coffee-Cup Lifting, Smoking and "What-Did-They-Do?". All of these require a lot of exercise and this is why you'll find people in coffee places all the time, especially during working hours, as they get permits to skip work for the sake of this sport.

The two most important sentences in Croatia are "We should do it" and "It should be done". Over 1300 years, those ancient sentences marked Croatian history in terms of establishing its soverigenity.

However, after proclaiming independent Republic of Croatia in 1990, those sentencies become a true national excuse for everything - from establishing the Law of Rights to making the ferry come on time during summer season.

The people there are also very hospitable and friendly in so much as they want to know everything about you ASAP for use in the sport "What-Did-They-Do?" Also most of the people will be very communicative: every time you ask "Do you speak English" they will answer very politely "Ne!" and keep on looking at you. You will find very devoted customer care especially in shops where people (even if you assure them that you don't speak Croatian) will continue promoting the qualities of the products they sell.

Croatia has several major export products, mostly consisting of sunshine, dark tan, nice vacation memories and female tourist pregnancy. Minor products consist mostly of popular music, unsual clothes called "narodna nosnja", digestive problems caused by an extremely wide choice of food which involuntarily compels people to overeat and sexual diseases of a benign nature. Exclusive export products are generals, which are mostly delivered to a small town called Den Haag, if they are not misplaced in transport.

Croatian popular music is considered at least good, specially in surrounding countries (except in Hungary and on Mars, whose citizens do not even try to understand our language, but they enjoy music itself). The local traditional music is sung in cafes (because that is where the Croatians are), and is of a choral nature, accompanied by the national instrument, which is clapping hands -- no doubt the origin of the name of the music, klapa.

Croatia is mostly known as responsible for inventing the torture device known as the tie ("kravata" in Croatian and similar languages) and as the birthplace of Nikola Tesla.

Croatia is not responsible for the extinction of Dodo birds!

The Croatian capital is called Zagreb, mostly inhabited by students and other sorts of people not born in Zagreb. There is an urban legend about people actually been born in Zagreb, but all witnesses disappeared under mysterious circumstances. There is no proof that people actually born in Zagreb are in any relation to Dodo birds.

There are really two countries in Croatia, the inland country (aka Slavonia), which was part of Hungary for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Austria, and the coastal country (aka Dalmatia and Istria), which was part of the Venetian Republic for a thousand years and therefore thinks it is really Italy. The two parts mutually despise each other; the inlanders are despised for their pale skin and coffee addiction; the coastals are despised for their obsequiousness to foreign tourists and constant tans. The two have nothing in common except religion (they speak different dialects of Croatian) and a hostility to Serbs. The stranger can tell which part of the country he is in by trying the local gelato: if it tastes like Italian gelato, he is on the coast; if it tastes like Austrian gelato, he is in Zagreb.

A popular myth which all Croatians devoutly believe is that the white stone from the island of Brac (which is VERY white) was used to build the White House in Washington, D.C. (which was built of Virginia fieldstone and is only painted white).

Croatia is the only country in the world in wich you can get drunk with a police officer



[edit]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CROATIAN WHEN
All meals your parents have ever prepared contain one key ingredient "Vegeta"

You were still in elementary school the first time you got drunk

You are never ever allowed to sit by an open window for fear of catching pneumonia from the "propuh" (even in the middle of summer)

There is a bar in your church hall that contains a 2-year supply of Brandy

You insist that you can spot a Serb from a mile away

The use of vulgar language at home is unacceptable, unless it is Croatian

English words are acceptable if used with the ending "A-T-I" which makes them Croatian..."play-ati", "study-ati"

Your Dida (grandad) mows the lawn in knee high black socks and sandals

Your Dida has a shot of "Rakija"

for breakfast At least one family member makes his own wine

"Sljivovica" (plum brandy) is used not only to celebrate at all occasions, but to cure illness and as a massage lotion as well

At the age of 13, you are allowed to go out of town with your friends for Croatian soccer tournaments, folklore festivals and dances

Your parents were at the function where you got drunk

The majority of your friends are also your relatives, even if they aren't your relatives, you refer to their parents as "Teta" and "Striko"

You are the only kid in your class who doesn't get to sleep in on Saturdays because of "Hrvatska Skola"

"Kuhace" are not only used for stirring when cooking...they are also used by Mama to beat you when there is no "siba" handy

At least once before you've told your parents that you'll call the police to report "child abuse" and your parents said "Samo probaj" (just try)

Mama beat you in public on at least one occasion

When leaving the house to go out, you always receive the same warnings (regardless of age): -"Pazi sta radis" (watch wut ur doin), "Pamet u glavu", "Nemoj me sramotit", "Nemoj da ja sta cujem"

Sadly, if something actually does happen, somehow Mama will know before you make it home

Mama gets pissed off at you for bringing home McDonalds saying, "sta ce ti taj junk?"

Your parents insist that you'll end up a nobody if you don't graduate from "fakultet"

Lunch on Sundays has more courses than Amerikanci have for Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner

You know that in addition to fruit flavoured Jello, that gelatine can also be prepared with pigs feet

You love "pasteta", but don't like bringing it to school or work for lunch because you'd be embarrassed if someone asked you what it was

There is a slab of fat in your fridge called SLANINA

Your mother washes the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher

Vegetarianism is not a concept your parents understand

All other action stops when you hear people speaking Serbian in a store somewhere and your mom starts to talk to you in English so that the Serbian people won't find out you speak "their" language and start trying to be your friend.

You have at least one short-wave radio in your house

You smell garlic on the old man's breath behind you sitting on the klupa in church on Sunday mornings

You live with your parents until you are married

Mama thinks that whenever you get sick it's because you didn't eat enough

When upset, it isn't unusual for Tata to send you "u pizdu materinu"

Baba and Dida wear at least 3 layers of clothing in all seasons

Dida and/or Baka spits into a napkin at the dinner table

Your parents turn the channel when there is a kissing scene

Dida & Baka insist you are quiet while he watches the news even though he doesn't understand a single word they're saying. Regardless of the fact he doesn't understand what they're saying, he knows more about what's going on in the world than you do

You never got the "Birds and the Bees" talk from Mama and Tata as you were growing up

Whenever your parents said "vidit cemo" you knew that it meant "NO!"

Everything that goes wrong in the world can somehow be traced back to Serbs

Your cousin in Croatia who calls you to send him money had a cell phone before you and wears only name brand clothing

Your relatives in Croatia think it's strange if you are not married by the age of 18

You are only allowed to vacation in the homeland

You are only allowed to speak Croatian at home

You have 17 consonants in your name and only 2 vowels

Your 13 yr old sister can out drink any Amerikanac

You cringe when you hear the word BATINE and hide

Your parents still prefer buying cassettes to CD’s

No one can pronounce your last name and every kid on the block has a nickname for it

A CROATIAN wedding consists of a minimum of 1000 people, 2/3 of which you don’t even know

......You're still laughing your ass off cause u know every single one of these are true!